(You can view me sharing this blog post on my YouTube channel here: Putting me first.)
I've written in this blog a few times about my life after my divorce, and some people mistakenly think I'm dwelling on it as if I either regret it or that I can't get beyond it. Neither could be farther from the truth. I "dwell" on it, or talk about it, because it was a momentous decision and a huge turning point in my life -- one that took me from deep, dark shadow to bright, illuminating light. I "dwell" upon it because it was the very best thing I've ever done for myself.
As a woman, and more specifically as a mother, many people assume that the two best things I've ever done in my life are my two children, and while they are correct to a certain extent, they are also incorrect. I love my children dearly, but children grow up, leave, and get on with their own lives. The one and only constant in your life is yourself. The one and only constant in my life is myself. I am the only person I can count on, trust, believe in, and live with for the extent of my life, so the things I do that will impact me on a daily basis for the rest of my life are the things that matter.
Thus, the two very best decisions I've ever made in my entire life were to get divorced and to leave teaching. Now, both of these seem negative; after all, they involved me leaving things that I'd invested a lot of time and energy into. I was married for over twenty years, and I taught for thirty. Walking away from either was not an easy decision -- in fact, I stewed about both for years before I ever acted upon them.
But I knew my life away from my husband and away from teaching would be so much better because I was utterly miserable in my marriage and unhappy as a teacher, especially in the later years of it.
Since leaving teaching last May to focus solely on writing, I've spoken to a number of book groups at libraries and other places. Primarily, my audience members have been women, and those women have primarily been middle-aged or older. Even though I go to the events to talk about the books I've written, I also share my writing journey, which includes my divorce and then my decision to quit teaching.
Inevitably, at least one woman will come up to me afterwards and tell me how much she admires what I'm doing, and she doesn't mean that I'm writing books. No, she means that she admires that I've stepped away from an unhappy and unfulfilling conventional life to go after my dream and that I had the nerve to do it, even if it took me a long time to gather up that nerve.
While the divorce was the pivotal point of my life, leaving teaching has allowed me to truly pursue my writing dreams. When I was trying to decide whether or not to leave teaching a little over a year ago, I happened to be listening to the radio while driving, and I heard a woman share a story of her mother encouraging her to go after her dreams. I wish I could remember more specifics about the woman and her dreams, but I don't. What I do remember very vividly, though, was that her mother used the motivational expression of "If Not You, Then Who?" with her.
It's a commonly used motivational expression, but one I hadn't heard before (or hadn't heard at a time in my life when I needed to hear it). Hearing that expression at that moment in my life solidified my decision in that moment. It resonated so deeply with me because I was almost there -- I just needed that final shove to push me over the edge where I then made the decision to leave teaching and the stability of income and benefits it provided. After all, if I didn't do it, if I didn't go after my dream, if I didn't write the books I wanted to write, who was going to do it? I went home and wrote that expression on my first daily record journal, which is now filled with all the writing progress I accomplished in 2021.
That journal was a product of the second major epiphany I had thanks to the perfect rerun of a "Friends" episode airing at just the right time in my life. I wrote about Chandlerizing my life in another blog post, and you can read it if you want, but basically I decided to model my daily writing life after the way in which Ross gets Chandler to accomplish the major (and daunting) task of getting married -- one little thing at a time. I record, every single day, at least one thing I do to move my writing life forward. At first, it usually was just one small thing, but now I generally record five or more things every day, and the slow buildup of all those "one small things" has led to me publishing two more novels, getting my column in another newspaper, starting two newsletters, and doing many other things every single day that involve writing in some capacity as well as marketing what I write -- all since last May.
In the days before everyone had GPS on their smartphones or in their vehicles, people would often turn down the wrong road and head down it a ways before realizing they were on the wrong path. Depending on the circumstances, it might take a while before you were able to get yourself back onto the right path, but you might see and learn some interesting things while you were traveling down the wrong road. I think at about the age of twenty, I headed down the wrong paths, and since I didn't have the clarity of an overseeing GPS to guide me back where I should have been, I stayed on those paths far too long until I found my way off them. I definitely saw and learned a lot of interesting and useful things while I was traveling down the wrong paths, but I'm profoundly grateful to myself for finally steering my life onto better roads.
I'm happily divorced, but I prefer to think of myself as single and self-sufficient even though I'm also involved in a committed relationship. I'm writing full-time, something I was never able to do as a teacher, and even though I do not have the financial stability I had as a teacher, I do have emotional and mental stability now, which is worth far more to me at this age.
Ten years ago, I chose to divorce. One year ago, I chose to leave teaching. In both, I chose to put me first. That isn't something that comes easy for a woman, especially a mom and a teacher who has long been conditioned to think of others first and to feel guilty when she thinks of herself first. But that takes me back to that question of "If Not You, Then Who?" I spent years of my life supporting my ex, my children, and my students.
It was my turn to support me and to go after my dreams, so that's what I'm doing now. If you're not doing that for yourself yet, I hope you will someday. I'm not advocating divorce and/or career change -- I'm advocating that you do what you need to do to go after your dreams, before it's too late.
My author website -- Click this link to go to my author website.
No comments:
Post a Comment