Don't misuse "don't!" A letter to the Music Industry.

Dear Music Industry,


Stop miseducating people, especially our youth, with your blatant and conscious grammatical misuse of the word "don't." My ears are bleeding, my brain is reeling, and my nerves are grating from the constant abuse of what, for any person educated past the second grade, should be a very simple subject-verb agreement choice.

Perhaps I'm mistaken in my assumption that song writers and singers have been educated past the second grade. Allow me to "teach" you all the correct verb conjugation forms of the infinitive "to do."

Ready? Pay attention. It's pretty damn simple, but I've been known to assume that people are more intelligent than I should really give them credit for being.

Here goes:
                             infinitive: to do

                subject: I             verb form: do     example: I do care about grammar!
                subject: You        verb form: do    example: You do us an injustice with your lackadaisical approach to subject-verb agreement.
               subject: He, She, or It      verb form: does   (Oh, did you notice the change, or do I need to show it to you again?)        examples:  It does matter. . He does love me.   She does want to learn.
               subject: We        verb form: do       example: We do want to improve the world one word at a time.
              subject: They      verb form: do       example: They do, too.

Now, here's the tricky part -- when you make these sentences negative, you insert the word "not" after the form of "to do." Thus, you get "I do not care about grammar!" -- which isn't remotely true, by the way.

Here it gets even trickier -- you can then form a "contraction" of the form of "to do" and the word "not." How clever is that? Thus, we get the words "don't" and "doesn't."

Now, since it is only with the third person singular subjects (It, He, She or any single thing or person's name) where we use the word "does," I can see where somebody under the age of six could get confused. However, since I'll assume that toddlers are not the ones writing these offensive song lyrics, let's appreciate that adults are capable of great intelligence, so they can also easily remember that the verb changes to "does" when the subject is a third person singular entity.

I realize that some of the earlier offenders may have been playing around with their poetic licenses for the sake of rhyme or syllabification purposes, but enough is enough. I believe that far too many people now think that "it don't," "he don't," and "she don't"  are grammatically correct, and I think they've come to that conclusion through the overuse (the over-misuse) of these pairings in music lyrics.

You know the influence music and song lyrics have upon people. Of course you know this! That's why music and lyrics are a part of everything from our daily drives to work to the opening sequence of our favorite TV shows to our extensive wait time when put on hold while waiting to speak to a representative!

Yet, you choose to continually assail our ears with "it don't" and "he don't" and "she don't" when you know damn well that those should be "it doesn't" and "he doesn't" and "she doesn't."

Our nation's youth listen to a LOT of music. These same kids regularly say things like "It don't matter," "He don't know what he's talking about," and "She don't understand." Aaaaarrrrggghhhh!

I, as a teacher amidst these misguided young people, spend a good portion of every single day attempting to correct their usage. I'm often met with blank stares and comments such as "It don't matter." Yes! Yes, it does! See that? I said "it does," not "it do!"

When I turn their negatives into affirmatives and ask them if they'd say "It do matter," or "He do know . . . ," or "She do understand," they laugh at me like I'm an idiot because they know better than to say those things. Why do they know better? Can it be that the music industry actually knows to use the affirmative forms of "to do" correctly, so these students are not bombarded daily with misusages like they are with the negative third person singular of "to do?"

So, to those of you in the Country Music sector and the Pop Music arena and the Rap industry and every other part of the culture of music who are choosing to misrepresent our wonderful language to the extent that it is seeping into the daily language of Americans, I ask that you please, for the love of all that is sacred, stop the insanity!

And for those of you reading this who think you sound just fine saying "He don't appreciate me," or "She don't know where it is," you are dead wrong. You sound like a fucking idiot!

Sincerely,

Every fed-up conscientious English speaker in America

p.s. If you don't like what I wrote, you can "shtick this" where the sun doesn't shine!



               (Maybe that's because you DON'T know how to speak correctly!!!!)

Dear Idiot, . . .

                                                                                                                       Sept. 22, 2015
Dear Idiot,

First of all, if the title of this post caught your attention simply because it gave you a chuckle and made you wonder, then, by all means, read on. If, on the other hand, it caught your attention because you thought it was directed at you, then, by all means, read on as well because maybe you really are one of the idiots to whom I'm directing this letter.

I have some things to tell you that apparently you really need to hear.

1. It is NOT all about you. Surprised? I figured you must be since you piss and moan about every little thing that any other person does, and you even go so far as to pursue legal action against other people for daring to live their lives on their own terms. I don't give a rat's ass about what political party you join, who you screw, who (or what) you worship, the kind of car you drive, who your favorite team is, what beer you drink, your predilection for porn or any other thing that you idiotically believe the world should care about just because you care about it. Live your life, and let others live their lives. It's a very simple concept.

2. People are entitled to their opinions EVEN IF THEY DIFFER FROM YOURS! You don't need to resort to bashing them verbally online or via texts or even face-to face, and you certainly don't need to go so far as to attempt to physically hurt them just because they dared to think in ways that you can't fathom or accept. Last time I checked, despite the workings of some of our political idiots, this was still a free country, and with that freedom comes the freedom to think and believe whatever we want to think and believe. I don't care about sports. Repeat I, as in me, the person writing this, don't care about sports. That in no way means that you can't or shouldn't care about sports, so shut up and stop trying to convince me that I should. I'm not going to. End of story. I love to read. When I share that particular tidbit, don't go off on me about how boring it is and how you can't stand it and how it's the most worthless waste of time, blah, blah, blah, blah. blah. Maybe if you read more, you'd actually have an opinion I was interested in hearing. Until such a time, shut up, live your life, and let me live mine in peace.

3. If you can't take care of kids, THEN DON'T HAVE ANY!!!! Simple fucking concept. We live in a magical world that has this special power called birth control. Use it, or stop screwing. Seriously.

4. Put on some goddamn clothes when you go shopping. Or anywhere in public that isn't clearly marked either NUDISTS ONLY or IDIOTS WHO CAN'T DRESS THEMSELVES ONLY. I don't want to see cleavage to your nipples or the crack or your hairy ass, or, worse, the crack of your hairy vulva. You are disgusting. If you can't afford proper clothing, then you can't afford that stash of beer and cigarettes either, so put them back and go find a shirt and pants that actually fit you.

5. Drive with your eyes actually fixed on the road and your surroundings, or get the hell off the streets. Pay attention! I will report your ass if I see you texting and driving, drinking and driving, or even arguing with your spouse while driving.

6. Respect the flag, asshole.

7. Respect every single person who defends your rights and protects your well-being. This means the current soldiers, the former soldiers, and the future soldiers. This means the cops, the firefighters, the EMTs, the nurses, the doctors, the dispatchers, the detectives, etc. This even means the politicians whether you like them or not. If you can't respect these people for the great things they do, then don't ever call the cops when your home has been invaded, don't call the fire department when your home is on fire, don't go to the hospital when your arm is broken, and don't take advantage of any of the rights sets forth in our Bill of Rights or Constitution because you wouldn't fight for those things and you don't respect those who have.

8. Do your own work. Have some pride and dignity, and do the work yourself even if it's difficult. Learn this lesson at an early age. If so, then you'll become a productive member of our society instead of another mouth to feed in our overcrowded jails, another person living off the system because you never learned a skill, or another barfly drunk moaning about how the world owes him instead of the other way around.

9. Learn to spell and use basic grammar. If not, then stay off social media and online sites where you can publish your thoughts without the benefit of editors who actually know how to spell and use the language that you, clearly, do not. You're only embarrassing yourself, but you're so stupid you don't even know it. It's quite sad, actually.

10. Respect your parents. Even if you don't agree with their religion, political beliefs, sexuality, fashion sense, or marital status. If they've done everything they could to raise you right, then they deserve your everlasting dedication, love and respect. Without them, you wouldn't even be here to have the idiotic opinions that you so adamantly cling to and try to defend, so never ever ever ever be mean to a mother who has sat up all night with you while you were ill or a father who has attended all of your games even though you sat the bench for four years. If your parents beat you or emotionally abused you, then that's a different story, and they are the idiots who should be reading this post instead of you.

One final thought, and it's a biggie -- don't blame others for your own faults and mistakes. Own up to them, learn from them and move on.

Sincerely,

Those of us who are tired of all the bullshit.

To my/our haters one year later . . .

One year ago my life changed. I met a great guy. I wasn't looking for him; he wasn't looking for me -- we found each other nevertheless. This entire year with him has been wonderful.


Yet, there are those in our midst who have not been kind about our relationship. Why? Because when we met he was just beginning his divorce journey, a journey that I had completed long before we met, so apparently that gives these people the right in their minds to judge us and condemn our relationship.

I repeat -- he was beginning his divorce journey. This means that he was separated from his "wife," that he had long ago stopped loving her, that he was moving on with his life, and that he desperately desired to be happy. I could definitely relate. The day my ex moved out was the happiest day of my life.

What people who want to judge others don't seem to understand is that they aren't living those other people's lives, so they don't truly know what it's like to walk in their shoes, and until the day when they can know that (which is NEVER, by the way), then they do not have any right at all to judge those people and their ways of living.

Misery. That's what my life was while I was married to a horrible person. Outwardly, people wouldn't have known this; not completely at least. The day he left is the day I really started to live, and that is the same for my boyfriend. The day he left his ex, he finally started to live his life.

Yet, people still torment him, and through him, me. Why? I don't really know. I could speculate that their own lives aren't meaningful enough for them, so they have to look for ways to destroy others to try to build themselves up, but that would just be me speculating, now wouldn't it? Frankly, I don't care. I chose to leave selfishness, pettiness, meanness, jealousy, contempt, etc. behind me when I finally took the path toward being divorced, and I don't plan to go back.

I do, however, hate to see him sad due to those aspects coming from people on his side, so when he's sad, I'm sad . . . uh, no, actually, I'm pretty damn pissed that these certain "haters" just won't let things go.

However, I'm very happy with him, and he's very happy with me. I'm not the reason for his divorce in any way, shape or form. I wouldn't have given him the time of day if I'd even suspected that he wasn't over his ex and ready to get divorced. His story was too much like my own, so we had that connection at first that drew us together. We also share a love of riding motorcycles, which has strengthened that connection. I love his personality, his generosity, and his character.

The anxiety we both felt with our exes doesn't exist when we are together. We actually smile and laugh A LOT together, and that's something we had stopped doing years ago with the exes. The giant knot that I carried around for over ten years at the base of my neck while I was married has completely disappeared, and most of his stomach problems have been miraculously cured! Hmmm, coincidence? I think not.

I wish I could make these judgmental haters understand that they need to concentrate on themselves and their own problems, and leave us alone. The sooner they fix whatever is wrong in their own lives, the sooner they will be happy. It took both of us years and years to accept the fact that divorce was the only solution for our ails, so I imagine it will take a long time for our haters to solve whatever ails them as well, but I still wish they'd hurry up. The sooner they leave us alone, the better.

Here are photos of us from this past year. You will see that some involve us doing Legion Rider things or other motorcycle events together, but we also have had fun traveling around a bit, and we'll be adding many more trips together in the future because that is another realm that time with me has added to his life, and he is loving it. And I'm so glad to have a travel companion besides my daughter who will soon be graduating and leaving me behind. He and I are making plans!

 

  

          

So, for all our haters out there, we have just one final thing to say to you . . . .

I'm a Pro Procrastinator

Whoever invented the word procrastination was an evil genius. Dictionary.com tells me that the word is of "unknown origin." Of course it is because whoever created it felt the need to cower somewhere in shame at the horrible condition he'd unleashed upon us all. Since the term originated in the 1500's, though, this malady has long been plaguing mankind and is certainly here to stay.

I say that the coiner of this term was both evil and a genius because while I hate to procrastinate, I also love to do the very thing I hate to do. As a teacher, I epitomize the irony of my existence because on one hand I give out assignments and tasks that I want my students to complete on time, but on the other hand I continually put off my more onerous tasks until the very last minute and then privately chastise myself for being such a ninny. I tell myself to listen to my own advice to get my work done on time, and then that little smart-ass that resides inside of me flips me off and goes for a walk with the dog or checks out recent Facebook posts instead. It's maddening, I tell ya!

Procrastination sets in and takes a firm hold on my life as each school year draws to a close. The nearer that final school day comes, the more I find myself scrambling to complete all my work, so that I can actually leave and enjoy my summer. Perhaps it's because I am a teacher that I've become such a horrible (or terrific, depending on your outlook) procrastinator. Since I know there is a definite ending to my school year, I have an actual date up to which I can continue to procrastinate, and my subconscious knows this and convinces my smarter, but clearly not wiser, side to not worry about certain things until that final day. It says, "Chill, girl. You still have two and a half weeks. That's plenty of time to get it all done, and then just think, you get all summer after that to worry about the next school year." Then, of course you know what I do all summer, right? Yep. I just procrastinate worrying about the new year until the day before the new school year begins! Aargh!

It would be one thing if I only procrastinated at work, but NOOOOO, that's not how I roll. If you've read any of my earlier blog posts, you know that I procrastinated a full five years before I filed for divorce, and I'm still kicking myself for that one. I constantly procrastinate when it comes to dusting my house because I HATE TO DUST, so it's just easier to put it off -- easier, not cleaner, just easier. I even procrastinated writing a new blog post even though I love writing. What the hell is wrong with me?

I know some of you will be saying, "Damn, woman, cut yourself some slack. You are a busy mom, teacher, coach, writer, etc. Some procrastination is normal." This is true, so thank you for being so understanding, but then I come back to the same thing I tell my students -- we make time for what matters. Now, I'm the first to admit that dusting does not matter, not even the slightest bit, so I don't feel at all guilty for neglecting the dusting of my house, but my job matters and writing most definitely matters, so clearly I need to get my shit together a little better and stop procrastinating with things that are important.

Ultimately, my life goal has always been and continues to be becoming a professional writer not a professional procrastinator as I seem to have become instead. I can come up with excuses after excuses as to what has prevented me from becoming a professional writer by now just like I can come up with excuses for not dusting my house or grading that stack of papers, but in the end the only one who truly suffers is me (and all those potential readers I'm letting down!), and I've really been suffering a lot lately from the effects of this nasty addiction called procrastination.

So, I'm committed to kicking the habit. No more putting things off! My new motto is Do It Now! There, it's permanently written both in this post and in the dust of my dresser. So, procrastination, Shtick This!

Hosting Exchange Students

This is the time of year that families in the United States are eagerly viewing profiles of foreign students who are even more eagerly awaiting word overseas that they've been placed with a host family here for the coming school year. I'm currently hosting student number six, and in a matter of a couple months, we will be saying good-bye to him. I don't plan to host again (although I said that last year, and here I am hosting again, so you never know), but it has been a truly rewarding experience every single time, so I'd like to offer up some advice for anyone thinking about doing it.

1st: Choose wisely. Pay attention to everything they wrote and checked on their applications. If you are a strong Christian, then for the love of God, do NOT choose an atheist or a Buddhist. You will clash, and it is NOT your place or your job to convert the student you've chosen. If the student says that he is a vegetarian, then respect that, and if you are a hard core meat and potatoes family that seldom serves the green stuff, then look elsewhere for a student to host. If the girl says she has allergies, then she is not a good match for your five cat house, so it doesn't matter that she's the only German girl left and you really wanted a German girl; choose someone else!

2nd: Be sure that your own family members are on board with the decision to bring a stranger into your home. If even one of your own children or your own spouse/significant other is opposed to taking this step with you, then you are setting the whole thing up for failure. Also, you are unfairly bringing a kid who is excited about coming to the U.S. into a strained situation, and he's only going to resent you and your family for it -- after all, another family who was completely committed to hosting could have chosen him instead.

3rd: Make a place for him or her in your home. This student will be a FAMILY MEMBER and NOT a nine-month guest. She needs her own bed at the very least, and she needs space to put her personal things and where she can feel at home in her home-away-from-home.This means -- make a place for her in a bedroom (preferably one of her own), in the bathroom (clear a shelf or drawer), in the car, in your family room or rec room or wherever you congregate the most as a family, etc.

4th: Connect with him and his family before his arrival. When I hosted my first student in the 1997, this was difficult to do because it had to be done with an expensive long-distance phone call or via a letter that might reach the family after the student had arrived in the U.S.; however, nowadays, with all the types of social media and e-mail available, it is really easy to reach out and let the real parents know that their beloved child is going to be just fine with you even though he's thousands of miles from home for a full school year. Turn the tables -- if your own child were the one going overseas, you'd feel a lot more comfortable about it if you knew the parents there cared enough to let you know things about themselves. So, do the same for them.

5th: Figure out what rules and expectations you have for the student, and then explain those rules and enforce them. Don't have double standards for your own children and your exchange student. Remember, she is NOT a guest. If you expect your own son home at ten o'clock on a school night, then you will expect your exchange student home at the same time. The reverse is true, though, too. Don't give your own children special privileges that you deny to your student. That will breed resentment and will only lead to problems and more problems.Be realistic with your rules/expectations, and follow through on them. The student is a teenager after all, so it's in his nature to test you. Don't fail the test.

6th: Don't treat the kid as an indentured servant. He didn't come here to clean your house and car, cook your meals, or scoop your driveway. However, he should be expected to do a reasonable amount of those things. Reasonable. If your own child is sitting inside playing video games while the boy from India is outside mowing the lawn, then you have a problem. Or if you are sitting on your ass watching TV while your girl from Spain is mixing up her thirtieth paella for you and your drooling brood, then you are doing this hosting thing for the wrong reasons. By all means, have the kids help and occasionally treat you to a meal from their own country/culture, but their main reasons for being here are to get an education and to experience our culture and learn what they can from that. Don't add to the negative stereotype that exists out there about Americans being lazy, greedy, selfish and ignorant. Learn from your student while they are learning from you.

7th:  Be there for the student. In my own situation, I'm blessed in that I am a teacher at the school where my exchange students attend, and I've taught/coached them all in some capacity. School is these kids' lives. They make friends there, they take part in activities there, they eat one meal a day there and sometimes two, they grow immensely during their stay based upon the things they do at school more than the things they do with you and your family; so get involved and pay attention to what your student is doing at school. Attend his football games even if he only stands on the sidelines every game, go watch her in the school play even if she only says one line, cheer on the marching band as it goes by in every parade even if he just plays the cymbals twice during the entire song, etc. School is important to the student, so make it important to you -- if you cannot do that, then don't host. It's that simple.

8th: Understand that while nine months SEEMS like a long time, it will fly by, so appreciate all the moments you get to share with the student and treat her to a few little excursions whenever possible. She will be very busy at school, and those activities will suck up most of her time, so plan some trips to show her other aspects of your state or region that she will miss due to her crush of activities. You get to not only be her host parent, but you also get to be her teacher and guide, and it will your lessons that will make some of the biggest impressions upon her and shape her opinions and memories of the U.S.

These are basic and common sense pieces of hosting advice, but they've served me well, and I've honed them to points that work pretty darn well. I want to share one of the biggest perks of hosting that many people don't consider -- once the kids go back home, provided you had a positive experience with them during their stay, you now have friends in other countries who in turn can host you during a visit to those countries.

I've visited my students in Mexico, Spain and Italy. Every trip has been wonderful because these students and their parents have shown me the "real" countries just as I did for the students when they lived with me. I'm not interested in seeing the touristy places in foreign countries -- I want the true experience. I get that when I visit these real families who can take me to places where the locals go. My very first exchange student was only 10 years younger than me when I hosted her. Less than two years after her return to Mexico her parents were killed in a car crash. I had never met them, and that made me really sad, so I vowed to get to know the families of any other students I hosted, and I've made good on that -- I do, though, need to get to Germany and the Czech Republic to meet the parents of my most recent hosting experiences. However, I did start traveling to Mexico pretty regularly to get to know that girl's extended family, and soon I found that I was a part of it. They were so loving and appreciative of my having hosted her. Over the years our bond has grown and she is now my very best friend. My life is infinitely better with her in it, and I would never have known this person if I'd never hosted. 

If you choose to host and you do it right, your life, too, will be infinitely better than it is now and than you can ever imagine.  

Ranting about Rants Gone Rong (or is that Wrong?)!!

Disclaimer before reading the following post: If you don't have a sense of humor or a desire to continually improve yourself, then do NOT read this post. If your hackles are always up, and you believe that your opinions and yours alone are the only correct ones in the world, then go do something else. You, and your kind, are not welcome here.


Here's a test. Read the following and see if you can find the mistakes:

Well, we could of won the game, but the referee was a real jerk, and coach was to. I'm so sick of how he only plays your kids if your someone important in the community. He's not even that great of a coach. I mean, seriously, he don't make the write calls at the write times. In the last quarter he should of called a time out before my son fouled out, but he's to arrogant to do the write thing.  


O.K. You should have caught SEVEN glaring mistakes, depending on how you count them. Did you? If not, then go back and reread it, and try again. I'll wait.

Why this little test? Because I'm utterly sick and tired of two things concerning social media -- first and foremost, the needless, inane, and ignorant rants that people post in the heat of the moment without truly considering the consequences of what they write, and -- second, the rampant misuse of the English language via mistakes that are unnecessary and easy to stop before they happen.

Here are a few of the most blatant ones that really get under my skin:

1. It is could HAVE or should HAVE. It is not could OF or should OF. In the passage above, it should read "we could have won the game." This particular mistake has become quite pervasive throughout social media, and it needs to stop. It's been slowly creeping into everyday language for years now, too. I sometimes have to stuff cotton into my ears to stop them from bleeding when this mistake pops up too frequently in my classroom full of junior high kids, but they are junior high kids and not grown-ass adults who should know better by now.

2. That sentence ending in TOO in #1 leads me to my second complaint. Stop using TO when you mean TOO. If you can substitute also for the word "to," then you need the word "too" and not "to." " . . . and coach was to" should read "and coach was too" since it would sound equally correct to say "and coach was also."
    The other use of TOO is to emphasize something. Like every time I read a comment where TO is used instead of TOO, I think to myself (or yell aloud) "this person is too stupid!" So, in the sample from above, the final part should read "he's too arrogant" because it's emphasizing the quantity of arrogance he has.
    TO is to be used as the beginnings of infinitives or as a preposition to show that someone is going TO Hell for not being able to correctly master this very simple concept.

3. Now let's tackle that tricky duo of YOUR versus YOU'RE. Hmmmm, they are just so puzzling. Actually, no, they are not. See that little guy hanging around in the air between the U and the R in the second one? That's called an apostrophe. Say it with me. A-pos-tro-phe. What the hell is it doing there? It's taking the place of something that was left out. So, what possibly could have been left out? Oh, that's right. The letter A. As in YOU ARE a dumb ass if you don't understand this simple concept. That could also read as YOU'RE a dumb ass. Of course, if you write YOUR A DUMB ASS, then you are simply proving my point that YOU'RE THE DUMB ASS.
       YOUR is for possession as in THIS IS YOUR WAKE-UP CALL. So, wake the fuck up and stop using YOUR when you mean YOU'RE and vice versa.

4. Moving on. The next mistake you should have noticed (did you notice I wrote should have and not should of?) is the HE DON'T. I blame this extremely common mistake on country music. Just listen to it sometime if you don't already. It is chock-full of "he don't" and "she don't" and "it don't." So, what should it be you ask? Well, I'm glad you're curious. The correct phrasing is HE DOESN'T. This applies to the other country music errors -- SHE DOESN'T and IT DOESN'T. Seriously, just think of it without the N'T attached. Would you say HE DO something? Hell no, you wouldn't! You'd know better because it just sounds wrong. Why does it sound wrong? Because it is!!!!! HE DOES THE LAUNDRY but HE DOESN'T DO THE DISHES is correct. HE DO THE LAUNDRY but HE DON'T DO THE DISHES is the lingo of a moron. Stop being a moron.

5. The final mistake from above was, and should have been, the most obvious. It's also the most forgivable because people rely too much on spell check these days, and they don't pay attention to whether (or is it weather?) or not they are using the correct homophone. I see people using WRITE when they mean RIGHT all the time. That doesn't make it o.k., though. Double check what you WRITE so that you will get it RIGHT.

Now that I have either thoroughly pissed you off (because you are one of the millions fucking up when you use basic English that you should have mastered in first grade) or I have enlightened you a little, please go back and review the rant at the beginning of my long rant, and see if you can now spot the seven very glaring mistakes. If you can, good job. I'm proud of you.

Now, please, I beg of you these two things: first, think before you post stupid comments that will only serve to hurt someone or to make you look horrible (or both), and second, if you must post the mean rants, then please give yourself more credibility by ranting using correct grammar and spelling.

I look forward to reading your correctly worded social media rants . . . uh, I mean, posts.

Insomnia vs. Nightmares

I've had a long hate-filled relationship with that nasty nighttime sleep thief called Insomnia, but lately I've begun to look upon him in friendlier terms since my much-needed sleep has been invaded by a more horrible fiend called Nightmare. I'm not sure why the sneaky bastard has decided to bother me of late -- I'm not doing any of the activities that once brought him racing to me in the dead of night like reading scary novels or watching horror movies. I do enjoy spicy food and the occasional nightcap, so could they be bringing this unwelcome guest to my bedroom? I doubt it.

After the first nightmare a few nights ago, I chalked it up to the fact that my Christmas vacation was fast coming to an end, and my subconscious was reacting in fright while I slept. One night of bad dreams I can handle and accept, but two nights? No way. And the topic of the first night's bad dreams was of all things ZOMBIES! Give me a break! I don't watch movies about them. I don't read about them. I don't believe in them! Why the hell did I dream about them?

I'm not sure, though, which sleep problem is worse. With insomnia, I simply cannot sleep -- at all. I lay in bed and try, and try, and try to relax and shut off my brain. I take medicine to help me relax. I read until I cannot keep my eyes open any longer. I have a quiet room, so there is nothing distracting me. I don't have a TV in my room. I don't listen to music at night. I shut my door to keep the cat out. It's quiet. It's calm. It's a great room. It's a comfortable bed. I have plenty of pillows and warm blankets. I even get a great back rub from a sweet guy at times to help me relax. Yet, I continue to suffer from Insomnia. Sometimes, days go by with no sleep, and then I might as well be going to work drunk -- I'm sure some people think I am when I'm slurring my words and looking at them out of bloodshot eyes that can't quite focus on their faces.

However, when I can't sleep, I'm not beset upon by creepy things like zombies, for Pete's sake! I don't cry out in despair when something horrible happens, I don't wake up sweating with my heart pounding like I'd just run a mile with none of the health benefits of actually running that mile, I don't toss and turn and pull my covers all out of place, and I don't strike out in fear at my sleeping partner when I feel his innocent shape at my side yet react irrationally in my sleep-numbed fright.

I wrote the following for my writing group. It's meant to convey a typical five minutes of torture by Insomnia. As much as I hate Mr. Nightmare, I won't be composing anything to document his torture. Instead, I'll hope that his visits have come to an end as I continue to wage war against my longtime nemesis, Insomnia.

Insomnia

by Tammy Marshall

it’s all about the bass, oh my god, shut up, get that stupid song out of my head, it’s all about, seriously, shut up, why do i let her listen to that shit in the car at night when i know it’ll only get stuck in my head and not let me sleep, oh my god, i hate that song, think of something else, it’s all about the bass, aaaaarrrggghhh, hmmmmm, hmmmmm, hmmmmmm, do i have to turn on my lamp and read some more, i don’t want to, i’m all warm and cozy now so if i just stop thinking about stuff i can go to sleep, stop thinking about stuff? yeah right, dumby, you know you can’t shut your brain off, la la la la la la, hmmmm, six hours until my alarm goes off, damn it, my neck has a crimp in it, i’ll never fall asleep in this position, it’s all about the, aaaarrrggghh, that’s it, i’m throwing that damn cd away, what are my plans for tomorrow?, poem and story first hour and then i need to get caught up on checking that pile of papers in my drawer, then the freshmen need to give their speeches, then, it’s all about the bass, oh  my god, seriously, shut up, shut up, shut up, what was that thud?, damn cat, what’s he gotten into now? or was it the cat? of course it’s the cat, what else would it be? maybe somebody broke in, oh shut up, don’t even go there, fourth i have those damn 7th grade punks, well, most of them are good kids, just those two that i can’t stand much, then lunch, wonder what it is tomorrow, need to remember to check in the morning, if it’s bad, then i need to take some cash to run to cubby’s, no, it’s too damn cold to leave the building, so i’ll just have to eat it i guess, hope it’s not mini-corndogs, ugh, who invented such a horrible food, it’s all about . . . hmmmmmmmmm, then we’re going over the imperfect tense, then i have to review with the spanish two class, what am i doing with spanish one?, hmmm, can’t remember, oh well, then mini-reports, then need to run to the grocery store and dollar general, grrrr, so much to do tomorrow and i can’t get to sleep, screw it

(lamp on, book open, read for fifteen more minutes, no idea what i’m reading as i’m so tired i can’t keep my eyes open, close book and shut off lamp)

. . . . . . . . .  it’s all about the bass, aaaaaarrrrrrgggggghhhhhhhhh