As the saying goes -- "Third time's a charm!" This definitely seems fitting for my love-life post-divorce. (If you've read the first two editions of this post, you understand.)
I've been with a certain special man for five months now, and they've been five really great months. We are both members of the Legion Riders, and we briefly met during an event. Then a few days later, we met again at a poker run, and we spent the whole day riding together and visiting at each stop. Since that day, we've been as inseparable as our busy lives and the distance between our hometowns allow us to be.
While our Legion Rider membership and mutual love of motorcycles and long rides brought us together, our views on life and relationships -- gleaned from our two long, unhappy marriages -- have bonded us and solidified our love.
Here are just a sampling of those things we both learned the hard way at the hands of our ex-spouses:
- Being belittled on a daily basis isn't fun or good for a marriage -- He and I don't take each other for granted, and we don't put down what the other likes just because it's not our cup of tea. He never calls me "fucking stupid" like I heard daily once upon an existence, and I never scream and yell at him as he once tolerated all the time.
- If you can't share, then you don't love your partner or your children -- My ex always took the biggest bowl of ice cream, the last piece of cake, the final glass of milk, all the money, the entire couch, etc. His ex wouldn't "let" him listen to music in the car, help prepare meals for a special diet he needed to follow for a while, and she'd never share in the driving yet she'd ridicule his driving the entire trip and tell him everything he was doing "wrong."
- Lying and going behind the other's back only leads to mistrust and betrayal -- My ex lied over and over about debt and then later about the woman he was cheating on me with. His ex lied over and over about smoking pretending that she quit with him years ago while continuing to sneak cigarettes on the side (something you just can't hide, dumb woman).
- Affection -- genuine and frequent -- is necessary for a strong and meaningful bond -- My ex only offered affection when he wanted something in return (usually a favor involving me paying for stuff for him) yet he 'd bitch and moan constantly when I wouldn't offer up nightly back rubs for him since I knew that they wouldn't be reciprocated without a condition being attached, and even if I were just feeling generous and felt like giving him a back rub to be nice, he'd bitch and moan the whole time that I wasn't doing it right. His ex stopped all forms of affection with him over fifteen years ago, so he moved out of the bedroom and onto the couch. Sleeping in a bed once again has been a new and welcome change in his life. Cuddling, kissing and back rubs have put a youthful glimmer back into his eyes that was missing for a long time.
- The little things really do matter the most -- It costs him nothing to open the car door for me, yet it shows me he cares about me. It takes barely seconds of my time to send him a few texts throughout the day, yet it shows him that I'm thinking about him and makes him smile. He never bitches at all when I give him a back rub -- in fact, he practically purrs in satisfaction. Even though I still feel uncomfortable with how generous he is toward me with his money, I'm slowly accepting that it makes him happy to buy me supper or gas for my bike or a new book, and I can promise that I'll never take his generosity for granted the way his ex did and the way my ex took me for granted.
- Being with the one you love is supposed to be fun -- In both of our marriages, he and I looked for ways to escape from our spouses because we were just plain-ass miserable with them. I escaped via travel abroad and into the protective world of books. He escaped by buying a motorcycle and going for long rides and by going hunting whenever possible with friends. Since we met, I still read, of course, but when he's around I put the books away and spend time with him. Just about every motorcycle ride he's taken since we met has been with me, and we kept looking for opportunities to go on rides together. He has also got his very first passport ever, so he can accompany me on my next trip abroad, which I now view in a completely new light -- as an adventure together rather than as an escape from a hateful and intolerable man.
As you can see, these are all common sense sort of things; however, when you're caught in a truly toxic marriage, as we both were, those things are not common at all. Our exes sucked the joy out of our relationships and completely destroyed whatever love we once felt for them.
But there's another saying that goes "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger," and I believe that to be true as long as you don't let it ruin you in other ways. I knew when I got divorced that there were good men out there. I didn't know if I'd ever find one for me or not, but I knew they existed.
He didn't really know what to expect when he left his long marriage. He just wanted out of a relationship that had pretty much sucked the life right out of him.
Then he met me. He once told another Legion Rider in front of me that he'd walked away from the worst thing that ever happened to him and right into the very best thing that has ever happened to him. That was probably the nicest thing that anyone has ever said about me, and it didn't cost him anything to say it.
My life is infinitely richer with him in it. And from every sweet thing he's said to me, I know he's living the life of a king with me instead of the pauper one he endured with his ex.
