I've had a long hate-filled relationship with that nasty nighttime sleep thief called Insomnia, but lately I've begun to look upon him in friendlier terms since my much-needed sleep has been invaded by a more horrible fiend called Nightmare. I'm not sure why the sneaky bastard has decided to bother me of late -- I'm not doing any of the activities that once brought him racing to me in the dead of night like reading scary novels or watching horror movies. I do enjoy spicy food and the occasional nightcap, so could they be bringing this unwelcome guest to my bedroom? I doubt it.
After the first nightmare a few nights ago, I chalked it up to the fact that my Christmas vacation was fast coming to an end, and my subconscious was reacting in fright while I slept. One night of bad dreams I can handle and accept, but two nights? No way. And the topic of the first night's bad dreams was of all things ZOMBIES! Give me a break! I don't watch movies about them. I don't read about them. I don't believe in them! Why the hell did I dream about them?
I'm not sure, though, which sleep problem is worse. With insomnia, I simply cannot sleep -- at all. I lay in bed and try, and try, and try to relax and shut off my brain. I take medicine to help me relax. I read until I cannot keep my eyes open any longer. I have a quiet room, so there is nothing distracting me. I don't have a TV in my room. I don't listen to music at night. I shut my door to keep the cat out. It's quiet. It's calm. It's a great room. It's a comfortable bed. I have plenty of pillows and warm blankets. I even get a great back rub from a sweet guy at times to help me relax. Yet, I continue to suffer from Insomnia. Sometimes, days go by with no sleep, and then I might as well be going to work drunk -- I'm sure some people think I am when I'm slurring my words and looking at them out of bloodshot eyes that can't quite focus on their faces.
However, when I can't sleep, I'm not beset upon by creepy things like zombies, for Pete's sake! I don't cry out in despair when something horrible happens, I don't wake up sweating with my heart pounding like I'd just run a mile with none of the health benefits of actually running that mile, I don't toss and turn and pull my covers all out of place, and I don't strike out in fear at my sleeping partner when I feel his innocent shape at my side yet react irrationally in my sleep-numbed fright.
I wrote the following for my writing group. It's meant to convey a typical five minutes of torture by Insomnia. As much as I hate Mr. Nightmare, I won't be composing anything to document his torture. Instead, I'll hope that his visits have come to an end as I continue to wage war against my longtime nemesis, Insomnia.
Insomnia
by Tammy Marshall
it’s all about the bass, oh my god, shut up, get that stupid song out of my head, it’s all about, seriously, shut up, why do i let her listen to that shit in the car at night when i know it’ll only get stuck in my head and not let me sleep, oh my god, i hate that song, think of something else, it’s all about the bass, aaaaarrrggghhh, hmmmmm, hmmmmm, hmmmmmm, do i have to turn on my lamp and read some more, i don’t want to, i’m all warm and cozy now so if i just stop thinking about stuff i can go to sleep, stop thinking about stuff? yeah right, dumby, you know you can’t shut your brain off, la la la la la la, hmmmm, six hours until my alarm goes off, damn it, my neck has a crimp in it, i’ll never fall asleep in this position, it’s all about the, aaaarrrggghh, that’s it, i’m throwing that damn cd away, what are my plans for tomorrow?, poem and story first hour and then i need to get caught up on checking that pile of papers in my drawer, then the freshmen need to give their speeches, then, it’s all about the bass, oh my god, seriously, shut up, shut up, shut up, what was that thud?, damn cat, what’s he gotten into now? or was it the cat? of course it’s the cat, what else would it be? maybe somebody broke in, oh shut up, don’t even go there, fourth i have those damn 7th grade punks, well, most of them are good kids, just those two that i can’t stand much, then lunch, wonder what it is tomorrow, need to remember to check in the morning, if it’s bad, then i need to take some cash to run to cubby’s, no, it’s too damn cold to leave the building, so i’ll just have to eat it i guess, hope it’s not mini-corndogs, ugh, who invented such a horrible food, it’s all about . . . hmmmmmmmmm, then we’re going over the imperfect tense, then i have to review with the spanish two class, what am i doing with spanish one?, hmmm, can’t remember, oh well, then mini-reports, then need to run to the grocery store and dollar general, grrrr, so much to do tomorrow and i can’t get to sleep, screw it
(lamp on, book open, read for fifteen more minutes, no idea what i’m reading as i’m so tired i can’t keep my eyes open, close book and shut off lamp)
. . . . . . . . . it’s all about the bass, aaaaaarrrrrrgggggghhhhhhhhh
