Wynken, Blynken, and NOT

Sleep often eludes me. It does no good to chase him either, as he is very nimble and swift and will only dart off to a corner somewhere and mock me like a naughty child picking on a decrepit old woman.

Those so-called "tricks" that seem to work for others have no effect on me. Counting backwards from 100? Nope. By the time I reach 96, my mind has floated away on some other thought stream and before I know it I'm all wrapped up in a bizarre inner-journey that only takes me further and further away from the Land of Nod I want to visit. Clear my mind? Hah! Impossible. If I could do that, all my sleep problems would be solved, and my days would be a lot more worry-free as well. Start at my feet and feel my muscles relax as I breathe deeply? Not happening. As I concentrate on trying to relax one set of muscles, I feel other groups tensing up in expectation.

The only real almost-surefire technique for me to fall asleep is to read for at least half an hour until I can't keep my eyes open any longer. Then I have to immediately shut off my lamp and pray that I'll be asleep in minutes because if I'm not, then I might as well turn my lamp back on and pick up my book again because if I don't do that, then my mind is going to start playing its cruel, uh, mind games on me with its buddy, Insomnia.

There are times when Insomnia visits so often that I've had to resort to a couple beers before bed to help lull myself to sleep, but that's not something I like to do very often. Insomnia or alcoholism? Not a great choice either way. I've also tried the over-the-counter sleeping pills, but I don't want to be reliant on artificial aids that could lead to other sorts of dependency. It's not advisable for me to report to work in the morning still feeling drugged -- not the best way to deal with teenagers (although I guess it couldn't hurt, either :) )

I've simply come to the unpleasant realization that I am a picky sleeper. I need complete quiet, utter darkness and lots of blankets. I like sleeping with somebody next to me, but I sleep better alone, and when there is a partner, I still need my space. Once I'm actually asleep, I'm a pretty heavy sleeper, but not like I was before I had children. Then, I could sleep through the heaviest thunderstorm; now, a light rain will wake me.

I don't do well in hotels unless I'm really really tired, but even then, if there is a lot of noise filtering through the walls from the hallway or other rooms, then I might as well watch TV all night or read because that beats lying in a foreign bed all night wide awake and tossing and turning. I've learned that if I truly expect to sleep in a hotel, then I have to pay the money and stay at a quality hotel and not any old run-of-the mill motel next to the interstate. Saving money does me no good when I'm too exhausted to drive the next day.

I'm not a napper either. I've never been one. Partly because I don't like wasting my time, and I see naps as time wasters, but mostly because napping usually takes place in the middle of the day -- when it's still light out! I can't fall asleep with light of any sort. I can, however, sleep in on a weekend well past sunrise, but once my mind registers that it is light outside and that the light is creeping into my room through a crack in my curtains, then I might as well get up because my brain will suddenly kick into overdrive, and then there's no going back to slumber-land.

I envy people who can crawl into bed, put their head upon their pillows and immediately be fast asleep. I simply cannot do that. Even when I've read myself into a stupor, turned off my lamp and snuggled under the covers, I will often have to beat my pillow into submission to get it into just the right shape to adequately support my head while also conforming perfectly to my neck. Believe me, if I didn't need sleep to actually stay alive, I'd say the hell with the damn activity completely some nights because it's just not worth the effort it involves sometimes.

Nothing aggravates me more than to be on the very brink of sleep and then either the dog starts barking at something, or my partner decides he wants to snuggle, or a sudden rain starts hammering against the roof, or the neighbor comes home in his loud pickup truck, or a fly invades my room, or any other of a myriad of annoyances suddenly crops up to rob me once again of the sleep I need.

I also can only fall asleep on my side, but I always wake up on my back. I have never been able to sleep on my stomach -- except on a warm tropical beach while sunbathing, which is also the only time I can truly nap (however, then I'm usually embarrassed because I'll wake myself up with my OWN snoring!). However, I cannot fall asleep on my back which makes no sense at all since that is the position I'm in every morning when I awaken.

All this writing about sleep is making me tired, but I know that it will be many hours yet before I actually fall asleep because I'm not in bed yet, I'm not snuggled under a bunch of covers, I'm not wearing my warm pajamas, and I haven't yet read for a half hour or better.

However, since this isn't the most exciting post in the world, maybe you have fallen asleep. If so, at least one of us is enjoying the Land of Nod. As for me, I more often visit the Land of NOT each night, so if you are in Nod, keep an eye out for me, and help me stick around longer than I usually do. My mind and my body would both appreciate a night of good sleep for once.

Dear future divorced self,

I write this to you from the past, which is the present right now, but as soon as I post it and when you later read it, it will most definitely be the past.

I write to you, a free woman, to remind you to not squander that hard won freedom. Breathe it in every single day. Relish it. Embrace it. Heck, fondle it a little even. Just be sure to love it every single minute. The war for it was a long one, but you came out alive -- scathed, most certainly, but alive and kicking nonetheless.

I speak to you from your not-so-distant past to remind you that you once lived here in misery, so if you from time to time find yourself feeling nostalgic for something you think you've lost, then allow me to send out a virtual-world slap to the face from the past you to the future you. Snap out of it, woman! You are better off in every single sense of the word than you were even a few months ago.

You can now focus on your dreams and on turning them into reality. You're going to be a published author, and you're going to be successful at it -- you now have the time to focus on your craft, and you can write more often in this blog that you currently neglect as badly as somebody once neglected you.

You can travel more now. Go swim with those whale sharks, see Macchu Picchu, fly over the Grand Canyon, drive to the Florida Keys, visit Alcatraz (and imagine somebody locked away there), feel the spray from Iguazu Falls, see a glacier before they become extinct, and revisit all those places you loved but never got enough time to appreciate with someone who hated to travel.

Read all those books crowding your shelves and all those you have yet to buy and all those that are yet to be published. Soak in the words of the Masters, and use them to become a better writer yourself. Learn from the greats and appreciate the wisdom packed into those pages.

Love your children every single day, and let them know that they are the most important people in your life, and they always will be. Show them that you are better and stronger for having finally broke away from the negativity holding you back for so many years. Let them know that standing on their own two feet is much more important than leaning on somebody else.

Treat your friends well, especially your best friend, and make many new ones. Have fun! Lots of fun! Make great memories because I'm looking forward to experiencing them someday myself.

Be willing to love again, but be wise about it as well.

Just know, my future divorced self, that I am here for you, and wherever you go, I will follow. I'm trusting you to lead the way and to make me proud. I can't wait to join you in the world of divorcees.

Sincerely and with love,

Tammy