I write this as I, like so many others out there, am essentially stuck (or should I say shtuck -- ha ha) in my house avoiding contact with others as this nasty COVID-19 virus makes its way across the world. I should be at school teaching. One of the things I should be teaching is grammar. Yes, I'm one of that elusive breed of people who actually love grammar because I love language and hate to see it abused when it's avoidable. Most grammar gaffes are easily corrected if you're aware of the mistakes you're making and actually care enough to stop making them.
Ah, that is the quandary, now isn't it? One has to care before one will make the necessary changes to better oneself no matter the task at hand. So, if you don't care about whether you come across as the intelligent person I'm going to assume you are (after all, you're reading this, so I already have high hopes for you), then you won't care enough to do the work to stop making the following blunders (if you make them at all), and you will continue to abet the ignorant masses. If that is the case, please stop reading now and go about your business. I'm done wasting my time on you. You clearly don't care.
However, if you'd care to help me perpetuate the use of our language as it should be used and better your verbal and written skills a bit, then read ahead.
1. The misuse of "seen" (I'll get to that soon) used to be my number one grammar pet peeve. It has been replaced by two others, and it's a toss up as to which one I hate more, so I'll flip a coin. One moment. . . . . . . . . . All right, here we go. The winner is: Stop using COULD OF!!
The correct usage is COULD HAVE as in "I could have gone to work today if it weren't for this damn virus that is ruining things for everyone." People make this mistake because the combination "could've" sounds a lot like "could of" when you say it, but just because it sounds like it doesn't make it correct. The same applies to SHOULD HAVE, WOULD HAVE, MUST HAVE, OUGHT TO HAVE, etc. "I could've been a contender" not "I could of been a contender."
2. The loser of the coin toss from above was "it don't, she don't, he don't." I wrote an entire blog post about this in December of 2015. Clearly, the country music industry did not pay attention to it and neither did many other people, so I'll repeat the key information here for you.
Do you say HE DO LIVE THERE? Of course you don't! You say HE DOES LIVE THERE. Thus, if it happens to be the case that he, in fact, does not live there, you could say HE DOES NOT LIVE THERE, or you could form the contraction of DOES with NOT and create DOESN'T. The words DOES and NOT do not contract to form DON'T. THEY DON'T DO THAT!!! For all the naysayers out there who like to pooh pooh things and say "It don't matter," it does very much matter! If you must be a pooh-pooher of anything, at least have the decency to correctly say "It doesn't matter."
3. If you have an excessive amount of something, then the word to use is TOO and not TO. For example, I, and many of you out there, currently have TOO much free time on my hands. It's never "to much" of anything; it's ALWAYS "too much" of it. This applies to being TOO TIRED to work, TOO FAT to fit into your high school jeans, TOO APATHETIC to care about using correct grammar, TOO SHORT to go on the rides at Disneyland whenever it opens again, etc. Get the picture?
TO is only used in front of verbs and to indicate movement. I need TO BUY more food. I'll go TO the store. Allow me TO EXPLAIN these things TO you.
4. If you can't find your keys, you could say that you often LOSE them; however, you never ever LOOSE them. Loose = not tight, as in "I only wish my jeans were LOOSE on me." Lose = misplace or unable to win a game, or even in expressions like "I'm going to LOSE my mind soon."
And, for the love of all that is still good in the world, if you absolutely must call someone a LOSER on social media, then have the decency to spell the word correctly. That person is a LOSER, not a LOOSER. If you call someone a LOOSER, the only LOSER is you.
5. Here's one I've noticed a lot recently. Let me give you the example first, and you see if you notice the mistake. "Do to the corona virus, schools are being closed for the next few weeks." I'm hoping and praying that the error jumped out at you right away. Did it?
It's not DO TO! It's DUE TO! "Due to social media, many people are becoming more and more inept with their words, or maybe social media is simply a platform for them to show off their ineptness."
6. Now let's address the word SEEN. I believe that most people actually know how to use this word correctly but choose not to do so. Simple past tense of TO SEE is SAW. "I saw that." It's never "I seen that." Never, never, never, never, never, infinity. "I have seen that." "I had seen that." "I will have seen that." "He has seen that." "You must have seen that." "As seen in theaters, . . . " "The UFO was seen by two witnesses." There are many times when SEEN is correct, but simple past tense is NOT one of them. If you witnessed something interesting in the past, you SAW it.
7. THERE is "over there," the opposite of HERE, or it is used in the common expressions of THERE IS or THERE ARE. As Woody says, "There's a snake in my boot." As I say, "There are far too many people who use incorrect or sloppy grammar."
THEIR refers to something that belongs to THEM. "That's THEIR house." Whose house is it? THEIR house.
THEY'RE = THEY ARE. Period. End of story. They are my friends can become THEY'RE MY FRIENDS. It doesn't become THERE MY FRIENDS, or THEIR MY FRIENDS. They might not remain your friends if can't correctly claim them. THEY'RE MY FRIENDS. THEY ARE = THEY'RE. That's it.
If you stayed with me this long, congratulate yourself. If you learned anything, congratulate me. If you'd like to read any more grammar rants from me, let me know.
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