I'm a Pro Procrastinator

Whoever invented the word procrastination was an evil genius. Dictionary.com tells me that the word is of "unknown origin." Of course it is because whoever created it felt the need to cower somewhere in shame at the horrible condition he'd unleashed upon us all. Since the term originated in the 1500's, though, this malady has long been plaguing mankind and is certainly here to stay.

I say that the coiner of this term was both evil and a genius because while I hate to procrastinate, I also love to do the very thing I hate to do. As a teacher, I epitomize the irony of my existence because on one hand I give out assignments and tasks that I want my students to complete on time, but on the other hand I continually put off my more onerous tasks until the very last minute and then privately chastise myself for being such a ninny. I tell myself to listen to my own advice to get my work done on time, and then that little smart-ass that resides inside of me flips me off and goes for a walk with the dog or checks out recent Facebook posts instead. It's maddening, I tell ya!

Procrastination sets in and takes a firm hold on my life as each school year draws to a close. The nearer that final school day comes, the more I find myself scrambling to complete all my work, so that I can actually leave and enjoy my summer. Perhaps it's because I am a teacher that I've become such a horrible (or terrific, depending on your outlook) procrastinator. Since I know there is a definite ending to my school year, I have an actual date up to which I can continue to procrastinate, and my subconscious knows this and convinces my smarter, but clearly not wiser, side to not worry about certain things until that final day. It says, "Chill, girl. You still have two and a half weeks. That's plenty of time to get it all done, and then just think, you get all summer after that to worry about the next school year." Then, of course you know what I do all summer, right? Yep. I just procrastinate worrying about the new year until the day before the new school year begins! Aargh!

It would be one thing if I only procrastinated at work, but NOOOOO, that's not how I roll. If you've read any of my earlier blog posts, you know that I procrastinated a full five years before I filed for divorce, and I'm still kicking myself for that one. I constantly procrastinate when it comes to dusting my house because I HATE TO DUST, so it's just easier to put it off -- easier, not cleaner, just easier. I even procrastinated writing a new blog post even though I love writing. What the hell is wrong with me?

I know some of you will be saying, "Damn, woman, cut yourself some slack. You are a busy mom, teacher, coach, writer, etc. Some procrastination is normal." This is true, so thank you for being so understanding, but then I come back to the same thing I tell my students -- we make time for what matters. Now, I'm the first to admit that dusting does not matter, not even the slightest bit, so I don't feel at all guilty for neglecting the dusting of my house, but my job matters and writing most definitely matters, so clearly I need to get my shit together a little better and stop procrastinating with things that are important.

Ultimately, my life goal has always been and continues to be becoming a professional writer not a professional procrastinator as I seem to have become instead. I can come up with excuses after excuses as to what has prevented me from becoming a professional writer by now just like I can come up with excuses for not dusting my house or grading that stack of papers, but in the end the only one who truly suffers is me (and all those potential readers I'm letting down!), and I've really been suffering a lot lately from the effects of this nasty addiction called procrastination.

So, I'm committed to kicking the habit. No more putting things off! My new motto is Do It Now! There, it's permanently written both in this post and in the dust of my dresser. So, procrastination, Shtick This!

Hosting Exchange Students

This is the time of year that families in the United States are eagerly viewing profiles of foreign students who are even more eagerly awaiting word overseas that they've been placed with a host family here for the coming school year. I'm currently hosting student number six, and in a matter of a couple months, we will be saying good-bye to him. I don't plan to host again (although I said that last year, and here I am hosting again, so you never know), but it has been a truly rewarding experience every single time, so I'd like to offer up some advice for anyone thinking about doing it.

1st: Choose wisely. Pay attention to everything they wrote and checked on their applications. If you are a strong Christian, then for the love of God, do NOT choose an atheist or a Buddhist. You will clash, and it is NOT your place or your job to convert the student you've chosen. If the student says that he is a vegetarian, then respect that, and if you are a hard core meat and potatoes family that seldom serves the green stuff, then look elsewhere for a student to host. If the girl says she has allergies, then she is not a good match for your five cat house, so it doesn't matter that she's the only German girl left and you really wanted a German girl; choose someone else!

2nd: Be sure that your own family members are on board with the decision to bring a stranger into your home. If even one of your own children or your own spouse/significant other is opposed to taking this step with you, then you are setting the whole thing up for failure. Also, you are unfairly bringing a kid who is excited about coming to the U.S. into a strained situation, and he's only going to resent you and your family for it -- after all, another family who was completely committed to hosting could have chosen him instead.

3rd: Make a place for him or her in your home. This student will be a FAMILY MEMBER and NOT a nine-month guest. She needs her own bed at the very least, and she needs space to put her personal things and where she can feel at home in her home-away-from-home.This means -- make a place for her in a bedroom (preferably one of her own), in the bathroom (clear a shelf or drawer), in the car, in your family room or rec room or wherever you congregate the most as a family, etc.

4th: Connect with him and his family before his arrival. When I hosted my first student in the 1997, this was difficult to do because it had to be done with an expensive long-distance phone call or via a letter that might reach the family after the student had arrived in the U.S.; however, nowadays, with all the types of social media and e-mail available, it is really easy to reach out and let the real parents know that their beloved child is going to be just fine with you even though he's thousands of miles from home for a full school year. Turn the tables -- if your own child were the one going overseas, you'd feel a lot more comfortable about it if you knew the parents there cared enough to let you know things about themselves. So, do the same for them.

5th: Figure out what rules and expectations you have for the student, and then explain those rules and enforce them. Don't have double standards for your own children and your exchange student. Remember, she is NOT a guest. If you expect your own son home at ten o'clock on a school night, then you will expect your exchange student home at the same time. The reverse is true, though, too. Don't give your own children special privileges that you deny to your student. That will breed resentment and will only lead to problems and more problems.Be realistic with your rules/expectations, and follow through on them. The student is a teenager after all, so it's in his nature to test you. Don't fail the test.

6th: Don't treat the kid as an indentured servant. He didn't come here to clean your house and car, cook your meals, or scoop your driveway. However, he should be expected to do a reasonable amount of those things. Reasonable. If your own child is sitting inside playing video games while the boy from India is outside mowing the lawn, then you have a problem. Or if you are sitting on your ass watching TV while your girl from Spain is mixing up her thirtieth paella for you and your drooling brood, then you are doing this hosting thing for the wrong reasons. By all means, have the kids help and occasionally treat you to a meal from their own country/culture, but their main reasons for being here are to get an education and to experience our culture and learn what they can from that. Don't add to the negative stereotype that exists out there about Americans being lazy, greedy, selfish and ignorant. Learn from your student while they are learning from you.

7th:  Be there for the student. In my own situation, I'm blessed in that I am a teacher at the school where my exchange students attend, and I've taught/coached them all in some capacity. School is these kids' lives. They make friends there, they take part in activities there, they eat one meal a day there and sometimes two, they grow immensely during their stay based upon the things they do at school more than the things they do with you and your family; so get involved and pay attention to what your student is doing at school. Attend his football games even if he only stands on the sidelines every game, go watch her in the school play even if she only says one line, cheer on the marching band as it goes by in every parade even if he just plays the cymbals twice during the entire song, etc. School is important to the student, so make it important to you -- if you cannot do that, then don't host. It's that simple.

8th: Understand that while nine months SEEMS like a long time, it will fly by, so appreciate all the moments you get to share with the student and treat her to a few little excursions whenever possible. She will be very busy at school, and those activities will suck up most of her time, so plan some trips to show her other aspects of your state or region that she will miss due to her crush of activities. You get to not only be her host parent, but you also get to be her teacher and guide, and it will your lessons that will make some of the biggest impressions upon her and shape her opinions and memories of the U.S.

These are basic and common sense pieces of hosting advice, but they've served me well, and I've honed them to points that work pretty darn well. I want to share one of the biggest perks of hosting that many people don't consider -- once the kids go back home, provided you had a positive experience with them during their stay, you now have friends in other countries who in turn can host you during a visit to those countries.

I've visited my students in Mexico, Spain and Italy. Every trip has been wonderful because these students and their parents have shown me the "real" countries just as I did for the students when they lived with me. I'm not interested in seeing the touristy places in foreign countries -- I want the true experience. I get that when I visit these real families who can take me to places where the locals go. My very first exchange student was only 10 years younger than me when I hosted her. Less than two years after her return to Mexico her parents were killed in a car crash. I had never met them, and that made me really sad, so I vowed to get to know the families of any other students I hosted, and I've made good on that -- I do, though, need to get to Germany and the Czech Republic to meet the parents of my most recent hosting experiences. However, I did start traveling to Mexico pretty regularly to get to know that girl's extended family, and soon I found that I was a part of it. They were so loving and appreciative of my having hosted her. Over the years our bond has grown and she is now my very best friend. My life is infinitely better with her in it, and I would never have known this person if I'd never hosted. 

If you choose to host and you do it right, your life, too, will be infinitely better than it is now and than you can ever imagine.  

Ranting about Rants Gone Rong (or is that Wrong?)!!

Disclaimer before reading the following post: If you don't have a sense of humor or a desire to continually improve yourself, then do NOT read this post. If your hackles are always up, and you believe that your opinions and yours alone are the only correct ones in the world, then go do something else. You, and your kind, are not welcome here.


Here's a test. Read the following and see if you can find the mistakes:

Well, we could of won the game, but the referee was a real jerk, and coach was to. I'm so sick of how he only plays your kids if your someone important in the community. He's not even that great of a coach. I mean, seriously, he don't make the write calls at the write times. In the last quarter he should of called a time out before my son fouled out, but he's to arrogant to do the write thing.  


O.K. You should have caught SEVEN glaring mistakes, depending on how you count them. Did you? If not, then go back and reread it, and try again. I'll wait.

Why this little test? Because I'm utterly sick and tired of two things concerning social media -- first and foremost, the needless, inane, and ignorant rants that people post in the heat of the moment without truly considering the consequences of what they write, and -- second, the rampant misuse of the English language via mistakes that are unnecessary and easy to stop before they happen.

Here are a few of the most blatant ones that really get under my skin:

1. It is could HAVE or should HAVE. It is not could OF or should OF. In the passage above, it should read "we could have won the game." This particular mistake has become quite pervasive throughout social media, and it needs to stop. It's been slowly creeping into everyday language for years now, too. I sometimes have to stuff cotton into my ears to stop them from bleeding when this mistake pops up too frequently in my classroom full of junior high kids, but they are junior high kids and not grown-ass adults who should know better by now.

2. That sentence ending in TOO in #1 leads me to my second complaint. Stop using TO when you mean TOO. If you can substitute also for the word "to," then you need the word "too" and not "to." " . . . and coach was to" should read "and coach was too" since it would sound equally correct to say "and coach was also."
    The other use of TOO is to emphasize something. Like every time I read a comment where TO is used instead of TOO, I think to myself (or yell aloud) "this person is too stupid!" So, in the sample from above, the final part should read "he's too arrogant" because it's emphasizing the quantity of arrogance he has.
    TO is to be used as the beginnings of infinitives or as a preposition to show that someone is going TO Hell for not being able to correctly master this very simple concept.

3. Now let's tackle that tricky duo of YOUR versus YOU'RE. Hmmmm, they are just so puzzling. Actually, no, they are not. See that little guy hanging around in the air between the U and the R in the second one? That's called an apostrophe. Say it with me. A-pos-tro-phe. What the hell is it doing there? It's taking the place of something that was left out. So, what possibly could have been left out? Oh, that's right. The letter A. As in YOU ARE a dumb ass if you don't understand this simple concept. That could also read as YOU'RE a dumb ass. Of course, if you write YOUR A DUMB ASS, then you are simply proving my point that YOU'RE THE DUMB ASS.
       YOUR is for possession as in THIS IS YOUR WAKE-UP CALL. So, wake the fuck up and stop using YOUR when you mean YOU'RE and vice versa.

4. Moving on. The next mistake you should have noticed (did you notice I wrote should have and not should of?) is the HE DON'T. I blame this extremely common mistake on country music. Just listen to it sometime if you don't already. It is chock-full of "he don't" and "she don't" and "it don't." So, what should it be you ask? Well, I'm glad you're curious. The correct phrasing is HE DOESN'T. This applies to the other country music errors -- SHE DOESN'T and IT DOESN'T. Seriously, just think of it without the N'T attached. Would you say HE DO something? Hell no, you wouldn't! You'd know better because it just sounds wrong. Why does it sound wrong? Because it is!!!!! HE DOES THE LAUNDRY but HE DOESN'T DO THE DISHES is correct. HE DO THE LAUNDRY but HE DON'T DO THE DISHES is the lingo of a moron. Stop being a moron.

5. The final mistake from above was, and should have been, the most obvious. It's also the most forgivable because people rely too much on spell check these days, and they don't pay attention to whether (or is it weather?) or not they are using the correct homophone. I see people using WRITE when they mean RIGHT all the time. That doesn't make it o.k., though. Double check what you WRITE so that you will get it RIGHT.

Now that I have either thoroughly pissed you off (because you are one of the millions fucking up when you use basic English that you should have mastered in first grade) or I have enlightened you a little, please go back and review the rant at the beginning of my long rant, and see if you can now spot the seven very glaring mistakes. If you can, good job. I'm proud of you.

Now, please, I beg of you these two things: first, think before you post stupid comments that will only serve to hurt someone or to make you look horrible (or both), and second, if you must post the mean rants, then please give yourself more credibility by ranting using correct grammar and spelling.

I look forward to reading your correctly worded social media rants . . . uh, I mean, posts.

Insomnia vs. Nightmares

I've had a long hate-filled relationship with that nasty nighttime sleep thief called Insomnia, but lately I've begun to look upon him in friendlier terms since my much-needed sleep has been invaded by a more horrible fiend called Nightmare. I'm not sure why the sneaky bastard has decided to bother me of late -- I'm not doing any of the activities that once brought him racing to me in the dead of night like reading scary novels or watching horror movies. I do enjoy spicy food and the occasional nightcap, so could they be bringing this unwelcome guest to my bedroom? I doubt it.

After the first nightmare a few nights ago, I chalked it up to the fact that my Christmas vacation was fast coming to an end, and my subconscious was reacting in fright while I slept. One night of bad dreams I can handle and accept, but two nights? No way. And the topic of the first night's bad dreams was of all things ZOMBIES! Give me a break! I don't watch movies about them. I don't read about them. I don't believe in them! Why the hell did I dream about them?

I'm not sure, though, which sleep problem is worse. With insomnia, I simply cannot sleep -- at all. I lay in bed and try, and try, and try to relax and shut off my brain. I take medicine to help me relax. I read until I cannot keep my eyes open any longer. I have a quiet room, so there is nothing distracting me. I don't have a TV in my room. I don't listen to music at night. I shut my door to keep the cat out. It's quiet. It's calm. It's a great room. It's a comfortable bed. I have plenty of pillows and warm blankets. I even get a great back rub from a sweet guy at times to help me relax. Yet, I continue to suffer from Insomnia. Sometimes, days go by with no sleep, and then I might as well be going to work drunk -- I'm sure some people think I am when I'm slurring my words and looking at them out of bloodshot eyes that can't quite focus on their faces.

However, when I can't sleep, I'm not beset upon by creepy things like zombies, for Pete's sake! I don't cry out in despair when something horrible happens, I don't wake up sweating with my heart pounding like I'd just run a mile with none of the health benefits of actually running that mile, I don't toss and turn and pull my covers all out of place, and I don't strike out in fear at my sleeping partner when I feel his innocent shape at my side yet react irrationally in my sleep-numbed fright.

I wrote the following for my writing group. It's meant to convey a typical five minutes of torture by Insomnia. As much as I hate Mr. Nightmare, I won't be composing anything to document his torture. Instead, I'll hope that his visits have come to an end as I continue to wage war against my longtime nemesis, Insomnia.

Insomnia

by Tammy Marshall

it’s all about the bass, oh my god, shut up, get that stupid song out of my head, it’s all about, seriously, shut up, why do i let her listen to that shit in the car at night when i know it’ll only get stuck in my head and not let me sleep, oh my god, i hate that song, think of something else, it’s all about the bass, aaaaarrrggghhh, hmmmmm, hmmmmm, hmmmmmm, do i have to turn on my lamp and read some more, i don’t want to, i’m all warm and cozy now so if i just stop thinking about stuff i can go to sleep, stop thinking about stuff? yeah right, dumby, you know you can’t shut your brain off, la la la la la la, hmmmm, six hours until my alarm goes off, damn it, my neck has a crimp in it, i’ll never fall asleep in this position, it’s all about the, aaaarrrggghh, that’s it, i’m throwing that damn cd away, what are my plans for tomorrow?, poem and story first hour and then i need to get caught up on checking that pile of papers in my drawer, then the freshmen need to give their speeches, then, it’s all about the bass, oh  my god, seriously, shut up, shut up, shut up, what was that thud?, damn cat, what’s he gotten into now? or was it the cat? of course it’s the cat, what else would it be? maybe somebody broke in, oh shut up, don’t even go there, fourth i have those damn 7th grade punks, well, most of them are good kids, just those two that i can’t stand much, then lunch, wonder what it is tomorrow, need to remember to check in the morning, if it’s bad, then i need to take some cash to run to cubby’s, no, it’s too damn cold to leave the building, so i’ll just have to eat it i guess, hope it’s not mini-corndogs, ugh, who invented such a horrible food, it’s all about . . . hmmmmmmmmm, then we’re going over the imperfect tense, then i have to review with the spanish two class, what am i doing with spanish one?, hmmm, can’t remember, oh well, then mini-reports, then need to run to the grocery store and dollar general, grrrr, so much to do tomorrow and i can’t get to sleep, screw it

(lamp on, book open, read for fifteen more minutes, no idea what i’m reading as i’m so tired i can’t keep my eyes open, close book and shut off lamp)

. . . . . . . . .  it’s all about the bass, aaaaaarrrrrrgggggghhhhhhhhh

Response to my former married self

The italicized part is a letter I wrote to myself prior to my divorce. I now write a response to that woman of the past.

Dear former married self,

I write this to you as you approach your third Christmas without the man who made you so unhappy for so many years. The past two Christmases without him have been wonderful, and this one promises to be even better yet.

Dear future divorced self,

I write this to you from the past, which is the present right now, but as soon as I post it and when you later read it, it will most definitely be the past.

I write to you, a free woman, to remind you to not squander that hard won freedom. Breathe it in every single day. Relish it. Embrace it. Heck, fondle it a little even. Just be sure to love it every single minute. The war for it was a long one, but you came out alive -- scathed, most certainly, but alive and kicking nonetheless.

Do not fear. I have not squandered a moment of my freedom. I give thanks for it every single day. I know that I am one of the lucky ones who saw the misery she was living and got out alive and before it was truly too late. I don't take a single day for granted. I relish every moment of living my life how I see fit and without the negativity that was once a part of my daily existence.

I speak to you from your not-so-distant past to remind you that you once lived here in misery, so if you from time to time find yourself feeling nostalgic for something you think you've lost, then allow me to send out a virtual-world slap to the face from the past you to the future you. Snap out of it, woman! You are better off in every single sense of the word than you were even a few months ago.

I've never felt a moment of nostalgia because I know that what I had wasn't worth wasting my time over missing it. If I'm nostalgic for anything, it's simply for the time when my kids were little. I so badly wish I could return to that time and give them a life without that man bringing a daily dose of negativity into their sweet, innocent lives. That is my biggest regret -- that I didn't divorce him long ago and save them some needless suffering. Nostalgia for times spent with him, though? Not even once have I missed him. Not even for a single second since the moment he moved out.

You can now focus on your dreams and on turning them into reality. You're going to be a published author, and you're going to be successful at it -- you now have the time to focus on your craft, and you can write more often in this blog that you currently neglect as badly as somebody once neglected you.

My first book is being published sort of -- it's available on the Norfolk Daily News website where they are releasing a chapter a time on Fridays for a year. The response has been pretty great. With school and the demands of the things I coach there, though, I still don't have the time I truly need to devote to writing like I want to, but I'm making plans for a soon-to-be future that won't include all of those extra duties and that will free up more time for me to focus on my writing.

You can travel more now. Go swim with those whale sharks, see Macchu Picchu, fly over the Grand Canyon, drive to the Florida Keys, visit Alcatraz (and imagine somebody locked away there), feel the spray from Iguazu Falls, see a glacier before they become extinct, and revisit all those places you loved but never got enough time to appreciate with someone who hated to travel.

I did swim with those whale sharks! It was amazing! I want to go back and do it again. This past summer, though, I didn't get anywhere exotic. I spent most of it riding my motorcycle, though, which was a treat in itself. Don't worry, though. Many more trips abroad and within the states are planned and will happen.

Read all those books crowding your shelves and all those you have yet to buy and all those that are yet to be published. Soak in the words of the Masters, and use them to become a better writer yourself. Learn from the greats and appreciate the wisdom packed into those pages.

I'm approaching my goal of 50 books read this year. I will probably fall a little short, but I'm definitely reading a lot more than I was able to before. When you live a life that is stress-free, it's amazing what you can accomplish.

Love your children every single day, and let them know that they are the most important people in your life, and they always will be. Show them that you are better and stronger for having finally broke away from the negativity holding you back for so many years. Let them know that standing on their own two feet is much more important than leaning on somebody else.

I'm sure they know how much I love them. Sam still lives at home, and our nightly ritual involves me telling her I love her and her telling me the same. I text Trevor frequently and always let him know I love him. I am very proud of the man he's becoming, and I go to as many of the basketball games he helps coach as I possibly can. His father doesn't go to any. Actions speak louder than words! Sam is a wonder, and I can't speak enough about how talented, smart and lovely she is. I look forward to seeing the woman she'll become.

Treat your friends well, especially your best friend, and make many new ones. Have fun! Lots of fun! Make great memories because I'm looking forward to experiencing them someday myself.

Through my joining of the American Legion Riders, I've made many new friends, including a very special man who is much more than a friend to me now. My best friend is still my best friend, and nobody will ever replace her. The joy I feel each day at being free of what I once endured has made me a happier person and a person that others like to be around, so I've gained friends simply because I'm happy.

Be willing to love again, but be wise about it as well.

I think I've been wise. I had lost my belief in love during those last years of my marriage, but now I see the beauty of it again, and I believe in its power. It has done wonders for me.

Just know, my future divorced self, that I am here for you, and wherever you go, I will follow. I'm trusting you to lead the way and to make me proud. I can't wait to join you in the world of divorcees.

I'm soooooo glad you finally made that difficult choice and went through with it, even though I know it was hard at the time. I can assure you that you made it through the ordeal a happier, stronger, smarter, and even prettier woman. Thank you so much for getting divorced.

Sincerely and with love,

Tammy

Looking for Love -- Third Edition -- UPDATED

***Special note: Apparently, what I wrote below offended certain people. That was never my intention. However, the main person who was offended probably shouldn't even have been reading this. You know who you are. Stop stalking me. I am entitled to write what I want to write on my own blog. You are entitled to simply not read it if you don't like what I have to say. That's the beauty of a free country. 


As the saying goes -- "Third time's a charm!" This definitely seems fitting for my love-life post-divorce. (If you've read the first two editions of this post, you understand.)

I've been with a certain special man for five months now, and they've been five really great months. We are both members of the Legion Riders, and we briefly met during an event. Then a few days later, we met again at a poker run, and we spent the whole day riding together and visiting at each stop. Since that day, we've been as inseparable as our busy lives and the distance between our hometowns allow us to be.

While our Legion Rider membership and mutual love of motorcycles and long rides brought us together, our views on life and relationships -- gleaned from our two long, unhappy marriages -- have bonded us and solidified our love.

Here are just a sampling of those things we both learned the hard way at the hands of our ex-spouses:

• Being belittled on a daily basis isn't fun or good for a marriage -- He and I don't take each other for granted, and we don't put down what the other likes just because it's not our cup of tea. He never calls me "fucking stupid" like I heard daily once upon an existence, and I never scream and yell at him as he once tolerated all the time.
• If you can't share, then you don't love your partner or your children -- My ex always took the biggest bowl of ice cream, the last piece of cake, the final glass of milk, all the money, the entire couch, etc. His ex wouldn't "let" him listen to music in the car, help prepare meals for a special diet he needed to follow for a while, and she'd never share in the driving yet she'd ridicule his driving the entire trip and tell him everything he was doing "wrong."
• Lying and going behind the other's back only leads to mistrust and betrayal -- My ex lied over and over about debt and then later about the woman he was cheating on me with. His ex lied over and over about smoking pretending that she quit with him years ago while continuing to sneak cigarettes on the side (something you just can't hide, dumb woman).
• Affection -- genuine and frequent -- is necessary for a strong and meaningful bond -- My ex only offered affection when he wanted something in return (usually a favor involving me paying for stuff for him) yet he 'd bitch and moan constantly when I wouldn't offer up nightly back rubs for him since I knew that they wouldn't be reciprocated without a condition being attached, and even if I were just feeling generous and felt like giving him a back rub to be nice, he'd bitch and moan the whole time that I wasn't doing it right. His ex stopped all forms of affection with him over fifteen years ago, so he moved out of the bedroom and onto the couch. Sleeping in a bed once again has been a new and welcome change in his life. Cuddling, kissing and back rubs have put a youthful glimmer back into his eyes that was missing for a long time.
• The little things really do matter the most -- It costs him nothing to open the car door for me, yet it shows me he cares about me. It takes barely seconds of my time to send him a few texts throughout the day, yet it shows him that I'm thinking about him and makes him smile. He never bitches at all when I give him a back rub -- in fact, he practically purrs in satisfaction. Even though I still feel uncomfortable with how generous he is toward me with his money, I'm slowly accepting that it makes him happy to buy me supper or gas for my bike or a new book, and I can promise that I'll never take his generosity for granted the way his ex did and the way my ex took me for granted.
• Being with the one you love is supposed to be fun -- In both of our marriages, he and I looked for ways to escape from our spouses because we were just plain-ass miserable with them. I escaped via travel abroad and into the protective world of books. He escaped by buying a motorcycle and going for long rides and by going hunting whenever possible with friends. Since we met, I still read, of course, but when he's around I put the books away and spend time with him. Just about every motorcycle ride he's taken since we met has been with me, and we kept looking for opportunities to go on rides together. He has also got his very first passport ever, so he can accompany me on my next trip abroad, which I now view in a completely new light -- as an adventure together rather than as an escape from a hateful and intolerable man.

As you can see, these are all common sense sort of things; however, when you're caught in a truly toxic marriage, as we both were, those things are not common at all. Our exes sucked the joy out of our relationships and completely destroyed whatever love we once felt for them. 

But there's another saying that goes "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger," and I believe that to be true as long as you don't let it ruin you in other ways. I knew when I got divorced that there were good men out there. I didn't know if I'd ever find one for me or not, but I knew they existed.

He didn't really know what to expect when he left his long marriage. He just wanted out of a relationship that had pretty much sucked the life right out of him.

Then he met me. He once told another Legion Rider in front of me that he'd walked away from the worst thing that ever happened to him and right into the very best thing that has ever happened to him. That was probably the nicest thing that anyone has ever said about me, and it didn't cost him anything to say it.

My life is infinitely richer with him in it. And from every sweet thing he's said to me, I know he's living the life of a king with me instead of the pauper one he endured with his ex.

Giving Thanks

                                       

Thanksgiving has long been my favorite holiday, and, frankly, I get very annoyed at how much it is overshadowed by Christmas. Not only are Christmas decorations on the shelves of stores and in people's yards far too early, but that idiotic Black Friday satanic shopping nonsense has now encroached upon the very day of Thanksgiving as well.

People, in my opinion, have forgotten what Thanksgiving (as well as Christmas) are really all about in their madness to save a few dollars on things they wouldn't even buy if they weren't "on sale." Sorry, but I'll never understand it, and I'll never take part in it. Black Friday is a big old black eye on America as far as I'm concerned.

Thanksgiving is meant to be spent with family doing the very thing that comprises the name of the holiday -- Giving Thanks.

I need that day, not only as a much needed respite from school, but also as a reminder once a year that I need to take a moment and think about everything for which I'm thankful since it's too easy on most other days to focus on the negative things that cause me grief (even when that grief is minor). I need that day to make me take a breather and realize that I actually have it very good.

So, here is a list of some of the very many things for which I'm thankful, in no particular order.

My children, Trevor and Samantha, who are truly the very best things that have ever happened to me.

My parents, Ronald and Lois, without whom I wouldn't exist and I wouldn't be the person I am.

My brother, Kevin, and his wife, Anissa, and their two kids, Abbi and Zak.

My love, Kim, who is the kindest, most generous, orneriest, and cutest man I know.

My best friend, Silvia, and her daughter, Constanza, who I keep close in my heart even though they live far away. Nobody understands me or makes me laugh like Silvia does.

My dog, Biscuit, and my cat, Blackjack, who show me unconditional love everyday.

                                                        

My motorcycle, which has expanded my horizons in many different ways.

My books, which also expand my horizons every single day. They offer me knowledge, solace, companionship, wisdom, advice, humor, intrigue, adventure, and so much more.

My house, which keeps me warm and dry.

My freedom, which many others in many other places cannot claim to have.

My extended family, which is quite vast, because I'm never alone no matter where I may choose to go.

My exchange students from Spain, Italy, Germany, Mongolia, Czech Republic, and Mexico, who have expanded my horizons and become part of my family.

My students who have bothered to pay attention and actually learn from me, and who, in turn, have taught me things as well.

My employer for paying me a salary which allows me to take care of my kids.

My friends, who are too numerous to mention (or perhaps they'd rather remain anonymous -- ha ha), for their companionship over the years.

My divorce, which has given me a new lease on life and the gift of every single day to live in the manner in which I see fit.


Once a person starts to examine her life, she soon sees that there are far more things for which she can be thankful than there are things that bring her distress.

I could easily list 100 actual things, aside from people, for which I'm thankful every single day.

Here goes:
1. my alarm clock
2. orange juice
3. a hot shower
4. dental floss
5. lotion
6. a flush toilet
7. a soft bed
8. slippers
9. tweezers
10. toilet paper
11. carpet
12. running water
13. my refrigerator
14. a garage
15. a garage door opener
16. a shovel
17. trees
18. sidewalks
19. my car
20. stop signs
21. street lights
22. electricity
23. radios
24. music in general
25. cotton swabs
26. soap
27. shoe in-soles
28. jewelry
29. pens
30. paper
31. laptops
32. e-mail
33. paper clips
34. scissors
35. drawers
36. blankets
37. coats
38. gloves
39. ice scrapers
40. fireplaces
41. paring knives
42. microwave ovens
43. cell phones
44. television
45. Netflix
46. my treadmill
47. dog leashes
48. hammocks
49. pillows
50. hot tea
51. cold tea
52. lemons
53. spicy food
54. pasta
55. watermelon
56. newspapers
57. Post-it notes
58. photographs
59. windows
60. curtains
61. candles
62. teapots
63. dictionaries
64. belts
65. pavement
66. ice cubes
67. water bottles
68. convenience stores
69. microphones
70. roses
71. poetry
72. novels
73. highlighters
74. debit cards
75. ATMs
76. bookstores
77. safety pins
78. seat belts
79. helmets
80. chaps
81. sunglasses
82. fingernail polish
83. bras
84. printers
85. bookmarks
86. planners/organizers
87. calendars
88. heated water bowl for my dog
89. my desk at work
90. my desk at home
91. board games
92. puzzles
93. word puzzles
94. mirrors
95. my bleacher seat
96. t-shirts
97. jeans
98. thick socks
99. eye makeup remover
100. beer

That was super easy, and that is just a sampling of the many things on any given day for which I am very grateful and thankful.

Since my divorce over two and a half years ago, I've tried to make every day a mini-Thanksgiving day, but I know that there are still days that go by without me stopping to take a moment and reflect upon all that I have rather than all that I don't have, so I'm especially thankful for the very day of Thanksgiving because it's the one day out of my hectic life where I can truly stop and spend the whole day appreciating things.

I'll tell you this much for sure: I am definitely NOT thankful for Black Friday and the other inane things that detract from the true spirit of Thanksgiving.